Week 7 Recap

Ladies and gentlemen, we have found the game of the season — and it was decided by less than three points.

ImAStroudPenix and All of the Sutton played a game so close you could have settled it with a field goal kicker and a prayer. One twenty-two eighty-eight to one nineteen ninety-two. Two point nine six. That is not a margin of victory, that is a rounding error on a bar tab. All of the Sutton has now been edged in a nail-biter before — ask World's Most Overrated about Week 4 — but losing by less than three while sitting on a three-game skid is a particular kind of anguish. The kicker is that ImAStroudPenix, despite winning, is now two-and-five. They escaped. They are still sinking. And the quarterback promise baked into that team name continues to age like milk left on a dashboard. Congratulations on the win. The record remains grim.

While those two teams were exchanging body blows, the rest of the league was apparently running a demolition derby. Sun God Welcome Committee dismantled Multiple Scoregasms by sixty points — sixty — and at this point the Welcome Committee is not welcoming anyone to anything except an early exit. Four straight wins, sitting atop the standings at five-and-two, and the highest scoring team in the league at eight twenty-one. We noted the streak was becoming a personality. It has since become a religion. Multiple Scoregasms, meanwhile, managed seventy-nine points in a game with that name, which is some kind of inverse poetry.

Allen my ass put up a hundred forty-nine against World's Most Overrated and the name wrote itself. Fifty-one point six six. The Overrated brand has been fully earned across five consecutive losses now, and at two-and-five the playoff math has stopped being math and started being mythology. Allen my ass climbs to four-and-three and serves notice that there is genuine firepower in that middle tier.

Gadsden my Johnston rolled The Burrenaissance by forty-six, which confirms that the Renaissance is not just delayed — it has been rescheduled indefinitely. Two-and-five for the Burrenaissance, who once blew out Goat Mode by fifty in Week 2 like they owned the place. The lease has expired. Gadsden my Johnston is three-and-four with eight-hundred-and-seven points on the year — still the second-highest scoring team in the league, still in the bottom half of the standings, still the most fascinating act in the building.

Taylor made blew out Goat Mode by forty-eight to extend their own three-game win streak, which is a remarkable reversal for a team that Gadsden torched by sixty-five back in Week 4. The schedule has a sense of humor and Taylor made has apparently learned to laugh along. Three straight wins, five-and-two, and quietly sitting one game back of the Welcome Committee at the top. The three-way tie at five-and-two with MARK SHANKCHEZ is the most interesting number in the standings right now.

Speaking of MARK SHANKCHEZ — three straight wins of their own, after handling kuppmylifetopieces by forty-one. Not a close game. Not even a conversation. kuppmylifetopieces posted the season's lowest score this week — sixty-six points — which also happens to be the exact moment they fell to four-and-three on a three-game slide. We warned about the schedule getting impolite. It has since become hostile.

Three teams at five-and-two. The standings are about to ask a very pointed question, and only one of them is going to like the answer.

Next week, someone in that top-three cluster has to lose — and after what Allen my ass just put up, they should all be checking over their shoulder.