Week 12 Recap

Ladies and gentlemen, half a point. Five-tenths of one point. The width of a rounding error, the margin of a fever dream, the distance between ecstasy and absolute devastation — and somehow, impossibly, for the second time this season, Multiple Scoregasms has won a game that lived and died in that space. Eighty-five sixty-two to eighty-five twelve over World's Most Overrated, and if you are keeping score at home, that is now three games this season decided by less than a point in this league. The Scoregasms are making a habit of it. Last week we called the close calls a personality trait. This week, Multiple Scoregasms IS the personality trait. They have now won three straight, climbing to six-and-six, and they have done it with the grace of someone parallel parking a school bus into a compact space and somehow not touching either bumper. World's Most Overrated, meanwhile, drops to four-and-eight on a three-game skid, and the name has long since stopped winking.

The rest of Week 12 had its own chaos to dispense. Allen my ass put up one forty-six against Sun God Welcome Committee and did not slow down for anyone — a seventeen-point win over the league leader that extends the Allen my ass win streak to three games and sends a clear message to the top of the standings. Allen my ass now sits at seven-and-five with nearly fourteen hundred total points, which is not a fluke, not a streak of good luck, and not a team you want to see in a playoff bracket. Sun God Welcome Committee falls in score but not in standing, hanging onto first place at eight-and-four by virtue of points for — thirteen sixty against the field and the look of a team absorbing a punch without going down.

Gadsden my Johnston is not subtle about anything. One thirty-eight over kuppmylifetopieces by nineteen, the fourth consecutive win for a team that has gone from smoldering wreckage to a controlled burn to whatever you call it when the whole forest is on fire and everyone around it is pretending to be calm. Fourteen hundred and nine total points — the most in the league — sitting at seventh in the standings six weeks ago, and now Gadsden my Johnston is at seven-and-five and dangerously, joyfully relevant. kuppmylifetopieces, by contrast, has now lost eight straight. Eight. The kup at this point has been emptied, shelved, dropped, swept out, and used as a doorstop.

Taylor made handled ImAStroudPenix by thirty and snapped what had been a miserable November in emphatic fashion. One oh seven to seventy-six. Taylor made at seven-and-five, the team that spent three weeks being tortured by decimal points now winning by thirty like an answer to every bad beat. ImAStroudPenix limps to three-and-nine and a four-game losing streak. The branding has become the eulogy.

MARK SHANKCHEZ beat The Burrenaissance by eighteen, both teams doing what they needed to do — SHANKCHEZ holding firm at eight-and-four, The Burrenaissance sliding back to five-and-seven after last week's revival threatened to become something real. And Goat Mode handed All of the Sutton a twenty-six point loss to lock up eight-and-four as well, leaving three teams knotted at the top with points for serving as the tiebreaker and Sun God Welcome Committee holding the edge.

Three teams at eight-and-four, three teams at seven-and-five, and Gadsden my Johnston bringing the most firepower in the league to the final stretch of the regular season like someone who showed up to a knife fight with a cannon.

Next week, the playoff picture gets drawn in permanent marker — somebody better have a steady hand.